One of the exercises in my coaching program is to bring someone to mind that you need to understand better. Once you think of who that person is, picture them - along with you - in a picture frame that has the words "Best Friends" under it. Imagine that this person is your best friend.
What about this person must you accept? Acceptance in this case is accepting that person for their humanity - not accepting or agreeing with their behaviors necessarily. What judgments about this person do you have to let go of?
I find that I can tend to make up stories in my mind...assumptions about people or situations. My judgments are generally about someone's intentions...why did they do what they did/say what they said...and it can be crazy-making! I can let these thoughts bounce around in my head until they become stories that become my truths and all of this stress that I'm creating in my own imagination could be prevented by 1. not making assumptions in the first place (and if I can't stop that from happening) 2. asking questions to clear things up.
Who is in your best friend frame? How can you start to accept them for their humanity and stop making judgments about them?
Friday, June 28, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Different Drums, Different Drummers
From "Please Understand Me" by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates
If I do not want what you want,
please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.
Or if I believe other than you,
at least pause before you correct my view.
Or if my emotion is less than yours,
or more, given the same circumstances,
try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.
Or yet if I act, or fail to act,
in the manner of your design for action, let me be.
I do not, for the moment at least,
ask you to understand me.
That will come only when you are willing
to give up changing me into a copy of you.
I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring,
your friend, or your colleague.
If you will allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or
beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself, so that some day
these ways of mine might not seem so wrong, and might
finally appear to you as right - for me.
Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you
are no longer irritated or disappointed with me for my
seeming waywardness.
And in understanding me you might come to prize my
differences from you, and, far from seeking to change me,
preserve and even nurture these differences.
===================================================
Sometimes it's so difficult to put yourself in someone else's shoes and see things from someone else's perspective, it's just easier to suggest that they become a little more like US, so we can understand them better or "help" them.
Being a very high introvert is something that not a lot of people I know can relate to, and people find it hard to believe about me when I tell them. Going to bed very early and waking up very early is also something not a lot of people can relate to. Quality time with friends for me happens in a one-on-one setting and the conversation is deep and intense. I like to prepare for each day the night before. The way I show my family love is by cooking them yummy meals, making sure their laundry is always clean and planning out (sometimes weeks) in advance activities, vacations and being aware of where there might be conflicts. I totally get it that my ways aren't for everyone and that people sometimes don't get it...but does that make it wrong? Are these things I should strive to change about myself? Am I missing some wonderful part of life by being the way I am?
I love working on changing my hang-ups and believe me, there are a few for me to work on!!! (A few = a gazillion) But my natural temperament? Nah, I like that just fine. It suits me. It works for me, and my family, and my friends, and my coworkers - whether they believe it all the time or not!
What are some things in your life that you'd like to change - you know that you could benefit from small adjustments? What are the core things about you that people might not understand but that you'd never give up in a million years? Do you see the value in knowing the difference?
If I do not want what you want,
please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.
Or if I believe other than you,
at least pause before you correct my view.
Or if my emotion is less than yours,
or more, given the same circumstances,
try not to ask me to feel more strongly or weakly.
Or yet if I act, or fail to act,
in the manner of your design for action, let me be.
I do not, for the moment at least,
ask you to understand me.
That will come only when you are willing
to give up changing me into a copy of you.
I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring,
your friend, or your colleague.
If you will allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or
beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself, so that some day
these ways of mine might not seem so wrong, and might
finally appear to you as right - for me.
Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you
are no longer irritated or disappointed with me for my
seeming waywardness.
And in understanding me you might come to prize my
differences from you, and, far from seeking to change me,
preserve and even nurture these differences.
===================================================
Sometimes it's so difficult to put yourself in someone else's shoes and see things from someone else's perspective, it's just easier to suggest that they become a little more like US, so we can understand them better or "help" them.
Being a very high introvert is something that not a lot of people I know can relate to, and people find it hard to believe about me when I tell them. Going to bed very early and waking up very early is also something not a lot of people can relate to. Quality time with friends for me happens in a one-on-one setting and the conversation is deep and intense. I like to prepare for each day the night before. The way I show my family love is by cooking them yummy meals, making sure their laundry is always clean and planning out (sometimes weeks) in advance activities, vacations and being aware of where there might be conflicts. I totally get it that my ways aren't for everyone and that people sometimes don't get it...but does that make it wrong? Are these things I should strive to change about myself? Am I missing some wonderful part of life by being the way I am?
I love working on changing my hang-ups and believe me, there are a few for me to work on!!! (A few = a gazillion) But my natural temperament? Nah, I like that just fine. It suits me. It works for me, and my family, and my friends, and my coworkers - whether they believe it all the time or not!
What are some things in your life that you'd like to change - you know that you could benefit from small adjustments? What are the core things about you that people might not understand but that you'd never give up in a million years? Do you see the value in knowing the difference?
Thursday, June 13, 2013
I get by...
...with the love and support of my awesome support system. Thank you to my husband and my friends for showing me SUCH love and support when I shared my new adventure with you all! I could definitely feel the encouragement, support, and excitement in all of your emails back to me, so THANK YOU!!!!!
I was thinking of doing a "gratitude" seminar...maybe we could do a virtual one here! So many people ask me how to eliminate worrisome thoughts from their lives...how to focus on the positive...how to change their frame of reference/perspective...and I think that practicing gratitude when any of those situations arise is so invaluable. I don't think it's possible to eliminate those things from your life necessarily, I think it's just so important to practice gratitude in those situations.
When I am frustrated that Fran and Brody are pulling me in different directions, I become grateful for two healthy dogs that have brought endless love to our family...when I worry that the girls are home alone while I'm on this 15 minute walk with the dogs, I become grateful for the town I live in with its low crime rate, the couch in my family room that the girls are comfortably lounging on and the fact that I can afford cable TV that they are happily watching...when I worry about the possibility of a furlough at my work, I become grateful for the days I will be able to work and help support such an amazing mission. And folks, sometimes I don't remember to be grateful for a whole day, so be kind to yourself if the gratitude is flowing like molasses rather than like water!
What are you grateful for? What are the situations that you might find yourself in where practicing gratitude could result in that frame of reference or shift of perspective?
I am grateful for you, for supporting me and giving me the courage to come back here today!!!! xo
I was thinking of doing a "gratitude" seminar...maybe we could do a virtual one here! So many people ask me how to eliminate worrisome thoughts from their lives...how to focus on the positive...how to change their frame of reference/perspective...and I think that practicing gratitude when any of those situations arise is so invaluable. I don't think it's possible to eliminate those things from your life necessarily, I think it's just so important to practice gratitude in those situations.
When I am frustrated that Fran and Brody are pulling me in different directions, I become grateful for two healthy dogs that have brought endless love to our family...when I worry that the girls are home alone while I'm on this 15 minute walk with the dogs, I become grateful for the town I live in with its low crime rate, the couch in my family room that the girls are comfortably lounging on and the fact that I can afford cable TV that they are happily watching...when I worry about the possibility of a furlough at my work, I become grateful for the days I will be able to work and help support such an amazing mission. And folks, sometimes I don't remember to be grateful for a whole day, so be kind to yourself if the gratitude is flowing like molasses rather than like water!
What are you grateful for? What are the situations that you might find yourself in where practicing gratitude could result in that frame of reference or shift of perspective?
I am grateful for you, for supporting me and giving me the courage to come back here today!!!! xo
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
So Much to Say...
I am starting a blog today, I have been wanting to do this for a few months now and I found the final inspirational sign I needed in Glennon Doyle Melton's blog this morning, encouraging us all to do our Thing now. So here I am, doing my Thing. Whatever that is. :)
Sometimes I just have so much to say, and I truly believe (at that moment) that if I can just get OUT what I need to say, people will understand EXACTLY how I'm feeling. However, I know that no matter what I say, or when, or to whom (who? whom?) they won't understand until they are ready to feel the things I'm feeling. I can't tell you how many times in life I've had an "a-ha" moment and I've been able to trace it back to some words of wisdom someone shared with me years ago, and perhaps I even jotted those wise words down, but I didn't truly understand them until some other unrelated thing happened and it was the small thing I needed to have that "a-ha" moment and grow a little bit more. I love those moments!
Still, in the spirit of doing my Thing and getting OUT some of the new "a-has" I've been experiencing, I will mention them here, in my brand new blog! (I'm excited...and nervous...thanks to Brené Brown for teaching me to be vulnerable - it's changed my life so much for the better!)
Ok...the first thing I've had a wonderful and new understanding of is Love. A few close friends, including my awesome hubby, know about my new discovery and how a necklace opened my eyes to my new views about Love. I have this necklace from Stella & Dot, and it simply says "With Love" on it. Through a series of conversations I had the need to "get right" with my necklace...what did it really mean to me? Was it just a pretty piece of jewelry? For those of you who know me, you know my jewelry does not change. It is very infrequent that I make jewelry changes, so I wanted to really understand what this necklace meant to me. I decided that "With Love" is how I want to make all of my choices. With Love in my Heart is how I will make all choices...easy for the easy ones, not as easy for the challenging ones...making choices with this statement in mind helps me stay completely true to my value system and helps me ensure that my actions and intentions match up. It's been hugely transformative!
The other thing that recently came up for me was something that a coach of mine said to me years ago, "The heart doesn't speak in paragraphs." I agreed, jotted it down, and had no clue what he meant. He asked me to do an exercise where I looked up to my mind and asked "Why am I here?" and then I looked down to my heart and asked the same question. I practiced this exercise and apparently my mind and heart had a lot to say which I sent to him in an email, prompting his response that the heart doesn't talk in paragraphs. Oops...I'm painfully literal sometimes. I'm starting to get why I'm here...and it's such a sensation, it's so within me, that not only do I not have a paragraph to describe it - I don't think I have any words at all to describe it! I want to help people, but that doesn't do any justice to the feeling that wells up inside me when I think of why I'm here.
And so it begins...(to quote my hubby)...anyone want to respond? Why are YOU here???
Sometimes I just have so much to say, and I truly believe (at that moment) that if I can just get OUT what I need to say, people will understand EXACTLY how I'm feeling. However, I know that no matter what I say, or when, or to whom (who? whom?) they won't understand until they are ready to feel the things I'm feeling. I can't tell you how many times in life I've had an "a-ha" moment and I've been able to trace it back to some words of wisdom someone shared with me years ago, and perhaps I even jotted those wise words down, but I didn't truly understand them until some other unrelated thing happened and it was the small thing I needed to have that "a-ha" moment and grow a little bit more. I love those moments!
Still, in the spirit of doing my Thing and getting OUT some of the new "a-has" I've been experiencing, I will mention them here, in my brand new blog! (I'm excited...and nervous...thanks to Brené Brown for teaching me to be vulnerable - it's changed my life so much for the better!)
Ok...the first thing I've had a wonderful and new understanding of is Love. A few close friends, including my awesome hubby, know about my new discovery and how a necklace opened my eyes to my new views about Love. I have this necklace from Stella & Dot, and it simply says "With Love" on it. Through a series of conversations I had the need to "get right" with my necklace...what did it really mean to me? Was it just a pretty piece of jewelry? For those of you who know me, you know my jewelry does not change. It is very infrequent that I make jewelry changes, so I wanted to really understand what this necklace meant to me. I decided that "With Love" is how I want to make all of my choices. With Love in my Heart is how I will make all choices...easy for the easy ones, not as easy for the challenging ones...making choices with this statement in mind helps me stay completely true to my value system and helps me ensure that my actions and intentions match up. It's been hugely transformative!
The other thing that recently came up for me was something that a coach of mine said to me years ago, "The heart doesn't speak in paragraphs." I agreed, jotted it down, and had no clue what he meant. He asked me to do an exercise where I looked up to my mind and asked "Why am I here?" and then I looked down to my heart and asked the same question. I practiced this exercise and apparently my mind and heart had a lot to say which I sent to him in an email, prompting his response that the heart doesn't talk in paragraphs. Oops...I'm painfully literal sometimes. I'm starting to get why I'm here...and it's such a sensation, it's so within me, that not only do I not have a paragraph to describe it - I don't think I have any words at all to describe it! I want to help people, but that doesn't do any justice to the feeling that wells up inside me when I think of why I'm here.
And so it begins...(to quote my hubby)...anyone want to respond? Why are YOU here???
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